Lowest Ebb

It was a long journey until Samantha rang that bell. Our local hospital had an excellent oncology department. We were lucky. She had survived, and now it was time to start living again.

I didn't want to dwell on the horrendous months leading up to this moment. The fear, well, terror that we had both felt when we heard it was cancer. We had been supported by the medical team, the cancer charities that I will always campaign for, and the counselling we had both been offered. However, when it came down to it, it was just us two going through this. Samantha had pushed her friends and family away. I didn't want that. I felt we needed their support, but what could I say? We may have been on this journey together, but it was still her fight, and I was willing to follow her lead and do whatever I could to make her feel better.

Samantha and I had gone through school together. We had been together since we were fourteen. We were each other's first everything. It seemed so cruel that just as we were about to start a family after three years of marriage, she should be diagnosed. It was a pleasure to nurse her through the hard times, as I knew that she would do the same for me. She wanted me to shave her hair off, and we cried as I did so. We roared with laughter when we went wig shopping. We tried to make it fun, and the little wig shop we found was used to dealing with people who were ill. They made it fun and let us play with some more outlandish styles before Samantha settled on a stunning wig that not only replicated her hair but looked even better. She looked as beautiful as ever, and that was important to Sam. She might not feel good, but she looked good, and that, in some small way, made her feel a little better.

At her worst, I fed her, cleaned her up after she was sick and carried her to the toilet. I saw to all her needs as if she were a baby. She clung to me. She said I was her strength. She told everyone that she wouldn't have got through it without me. As I ran my own business, nothing special, a little computer tech company that mostly sold its services to local schools, I could work around her treatment. In truth, I could leave most of the work to my merry band of geeks and oversee things as I looked after Sam.

So, she rang that bell in the oncology department to signal that it was all over. The first thing she did when we got home was look for the passports.

"We're going on a holiday. I'm still so drained, and you are exhausted after looking after me so well and trying to keep the business going. We need the best holiday ever. It's time to start living again. Life's too short. We're not going to waste any more time."

I was flying high on our fantastic news and her enthusiasm. My Sam was back after the shell of her that treatment had wrought. We booked a transatlantic cruise. Samantha's choice was to relax and have as much time as possible on board the ship. We would have a few nights in New York and then fly home to start planning the rest of our lives.

In the weeks before we set off on the cruise, Samantha reconnected with the friends she had held at arm's length. She was quick to praise me for looking after her so well. There were far too many late nights out with the girls for my liking. I wasn't trying to be controlling; she deserved to have fun. I was just worried that her body was still recovering; she had been through so much. I didn't want her to exhaust herself. She slept over at a friend's house a couple of times because she was too tired to come home after drinking too much. One night when she did return, she seemed glassy-eyed.

"You've not been taking anything, have you?"

"Alright, Dad, don't be such a fuddy-duddy. I'm having fun. No, to answer your question, I've only had something to drink, perhaps a bit too much." With that, she vomited all over the stairs. Another night, when I had to hold her as she yodelled into the porcelain. This time, self-inflicted.

By the time we left for our cruise, Samantha's hair had grown back enough for her to have an elfin crop. It really suited her, and she had chosen to have it dyed an eye-catching red. So different to her usual highlighted brown.

"It's the start of the new me. We're not going to waste any more time. We are going to grab new opportunities and new adventures wherever we can. We both deserve it."

"Well, you look gorgeous, but then you always do," I smiled. She had bought a whole new wardrobe for the cruise, too. None of it was her usual style, but it all looked good. Some of her outfits were far more daring than before.

"I've told you, life's too short. I've bought you a few new things too. Go and try them on for me. I want a fashion parade."

I really liked the things that she had bought for me. She knew my style well, and I was glad that she didn't push my boundaries fashion-wise too much, though some of the shirt colours were a little brighter than I would usually have worn.

Arriving at Southampton, we couldn't wait to explore the ship. Our cabin was bigger than expected, with a balcony. We were looking forward to all the different activities onboard, but Samantha was especially eager to sample the various cuisines now that her appetite had returned. Samantha particularly loved an afternoon tea. It made me smile as the new Samantha wanted to live life to the full, be more daring, yet she still loved a genteel afternoon tea and a dance around the dancefloor to the resident band. Perhaps there was still more of the old Sam in there than she would like to admit.

I loved holding her in my arms as we moved across the dance floor. It seemed like we were finally back on track during these happy afternoons; she never left my side as we partook in some of the onboard facilities. We both joined the choir, which was fun; we had afternoon tea every day and enjoyed lots of Spa treatments--anything to make Sam feel good, and anything that we could do together. Our nights were spent dancing together.

It was on the fifth night that she started to drink too much and enjoy our drinks package a little too much. We were joined at dinner by a couple called Dan and Jeff. They were on their honeymoon. I had asked that we dine alone, but Sam was insistent on meeting new people, as her illness had made her feel socially isolated. I eventually agreed reluctantly, as I could see her point of view. Dan and Jeff were good company, and I had a lot in common with Dan; he was into classic cars like me, and he had recently sold his much-loved MGBGT to help pay for the wedding and the cruise.

"Jeff has promised me that we will buy another one the minute we can afford it. He's even promised to help with any restoration work, but I doubt that he will want to get his hands dirty, really."

I tell Dan all about my Morris Minor traveller, Woody and how Sam refuses to be seen in it. I notice Jeff and Sam both rolling their eyes as we witter on, eventually they get up to dance, and Sam looks towards me, and I smile back. After a couple of dances, Dan and I joined them, and we each danced with our respective partners. Jeff and I eventually left the dance floor in search of more drinks, leaving Sam and Dan laughing together.

Jeff is very different to Dan, he is quite flirty with me, touching my arm at the bar and sitting a little too close as we watch our spouses on the dance floor. I have gay friends and my brother is gay, but even so, Jeff is a little full-on for my tastes.

In an effort to distract him, I say,

"My brother James is gay, but he has just split up with his partner. They never got as far as getting married."

"Oh, Dan and I aren't gay," laughs Jeff, "We are both bi. We have both had long-term relationships with women; in fact, Dan was married. We just happened to fall for each other. Sexuality can be a very fluid thing nowadays, you know, Alex. Have you never been a little bit curious?"

"No, never," I stated whilst removing Jeff's hand from my knee.

"Dan and I have an open relationship; we both find you and Sam very attractive."

"Well, as flattering as that is, we are really not interested."

Luckily, Sam and Dan returned laughing from the dance floor then.

"I'm afraid I have shocked Alex a little, Sam. He's quite a sensitive soul, isn't he? I've shocked him by telling him of our open relationship, I think?"

"Yes," laughed Sam, "He is a rather traditional and vanilla when it comes to bedroom things."

I sat there fuming; I couldn't believe that Sam had said that. We had always had a loving and fulfilling sex life. I certainly wasn't a prude. We had tried most things in our time. The only thing we hadn't done was introduce anyone else into our relationship. Sam knew my feelings on monogamy were non-negotiable.

"Don't let Jeff wind you up," Dan soothed, "We do swap with couples who are into it, but I realise that it's not for everyone. I'm sorry if my rather drunken husband has overstepped the mark, but if you ever change your mind, you know we are in cabin 841. Right, husband, you've caused enough trouble for one night. Time to get you to bed."

"Lucky me," laughed Jeff as Dan manhandled him down the corridor.

"I think it is time we went to bed, too, don't you, Sam?" I say pointedly.

When we get back, Sam starts on me, "Sulking again, are we? You need to lighten up, and it's obviously not just me who thinks so. You made a complete fool of yourself in front of Jeff and Dan."

"No," I said, "It was you who made a fool of me in front of Dan and Jeff. How dare you embarrass me and tease me like that in front of two relative strangers? I expect your support like I have always supported you, not for you to mock me, gang up on me and share intimate details with others. Intimate details that weren't true, by the way."

"It is true, you are vanilla in the bedroom. Sometimes I just want some hard sex. When was the last time we did that? All you want to do is make love to me. Treat me like some delicate little flower that might break if you are too rough with me."

"You are still recovering, but if you want it hard, that's what you'll get."

Afterwards, we lay in the dark,

"Wow," says Sam, "Maybe I'll have to tease you a bit more often if that is the result."

"I wouldn't, Sam, if I were you. You are sailing too close to the wind as it is. I won't keep forgiving the disrespect you keep showing me. I deserve better from you, and you know it."

The following day, it was Gala Night, red and gold. Sam had bought me a red velvet jacket. She loved it, but I couldn't shake off the feeling that I looked like I should be singing a chorus of Walk Like a Man. Sam disappeared to the onboard hairdresser that afternoon, as her hair was still so short it still needed careful styling. She was going to have the red toned down a little so it didn't clash with her red floor-length gown.

I was sitting in the ship's pub that afternoon when Dan appeared and asked if he could join me. I wasn't keen, but he was insistent, and we soon started to talk about cars again. He told me about this place in Derbyshire where you could drive a range of vintage and classic cars. I couldn't wait to go when we got back home. Jeff eventually turned up, with a smirk on his face. Dan could sense my discomfort,

"Look, I'm going to take off for a bit and let you two talk. It seems that you didn't get off on the best footing, and I think my loving husband needs to give you an apology, don't you?" he said, looking pointedly at Jeff.

Dan disappeared, and Jeff and I sat looking at each other in silence until Jeff said,

"I'm sorry if I overstepped last night. I forget sometimes that not everyone is as 'open' as Dan and I are. I didn't mean to offend you. I thought that we were just having a bit of banter. I realise that you and Sam have been through a traumatic time just lately, so I should have been more sensitive to your situation. I hope you will let us spend some more time with you, and I haven't blown the chance to have a friendship with you both. Friends?" he asked as he offered me his hand.

I just took his hand and nodded. Although I wasn't that keen on Jeff, I really liked Dan, and I did appreciate Jeff's apology. People often don't find it easy to admit when they are wrong. I was conscious that Jeff had apologised, but Sam really hadn't.

After chatting for a while, Jeff left me alone with my beer and my book. I lost track of time and thought I'd better get back to our cabin to put on my formal outfit. I was surprised to find that Sam wasn't there. Surely her hair appointment hadn't taken that long? I started to panic after a while and wandered down to the Spa to visit the hair salon.

"Your wife left a couple of hours ago. Her friend collected her. He was a tall blonde man. He said you were with his husband in the pub. If that helps?"

Jeff, she went off with Jeff. Why didn't he say anything when we were talking to each other? I decided to make my way to their cabin, 841. I had a sinking feeling, but I was hoping against hope that I was wrong. Surely after everything I had said, she would not throw our marriage away so easily.

Jeff opened the door to their cabin, wearing only a white robe, his hair damp.

"Ooh, look who's decided to join the party," he said as he glanced towards the bathroom. I could see the bathroom reflected in the mirrored wardrobe. I would never be able to forget what it reflected; Sam was pressed up against the shower wall with Dan as he frantically thrust into her. They never heard Jeff over the shower's noise and their own passion.

Seeing my face, Jeff started to look a little less cocky. He looked even less cocky after I had slammed his face into the door of the wardrobe.

I disappeared to the bar for a while. Eventually, I wandered back to the cabin to pack Sam's stuff. If she wanted to be with those two clowns, let her move into their cabin. She was waiting for me on the bed. Her hair still damp. What a waste of a hair appointment.

"You didn't have to hurt Jeff like that. It wasn't his fault?"

"So that's how it is going to be, is it? No apology, no contrition. You're just upset that I hurt your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend. It was just a bit of fun. It doesn't have to affect us. It was just sex. I needed to feel like a woman again. To feel desired, to feel beautiful. They had never seen me at my lowest ebb. When I couldn't control my bodily functions, they just saw me. Not that bald, sick woman."

"I never saw her either. I just saw you--the person I loved. You were always beautiful to me because I loved you."

"I needed this for me. To feel desirable again, wanted, without any baggage."

"So, what you are saying is that my reward for loving you, for nursing you through the worst moments of your life, my life, our lives together. For tending to your every need, that my reward is a cheating slut for a wife?"

"I'm not a slut, I've had cancer; this mattered to me. I'd never experienced two men at the same time. Two men who both wanted me. I deserved to feel good about myself."

"You deserved to feel good. Do I deserve to feel like this? To feel like I don't matter to anyone anymore?"

"Stop being so dramatic. This wasn't about you. It wasn't about us. You know how much I love you. This wasn't about love. It was just sex. It was something I needed. It's over now. What does it matter? We can move on. It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I won't do it again."

"It's too late, it's already done. We're already broken, and the problem is that I no longer trust you. What about the next time poor little cancer survivor Sam feels she deserves something, as life is too short? What happens then?"

"I've told you; it won't happen again. I had some things to tick off my list and now they're done."

"What other things had you been ticking off your list then, Sam? Now that you have finally decided to be honest with me. Drugs?"

"Yes, you're such a fuddy duddy, and I wanted to try them, so I did."

"What else did you try, Sam?"

"There was one other guy on the night I slept over at Chloe's. A black guy we met. She slept with his friend."

'Sleeping with a black guy was on your list?"

"Yes, and it is over with now. It wasn't anything special. Quite disappointing, really. That's what I'm trying to tell you. It didn't affect us. It didn't change anything then, and it won't change anything now. It is done and dusted. It was just something I needed to get out of my system. That was nothing about you. This isn't about you either. It was just about me."

"Samantha, I don't think that I have ever heard such a lot of self-justifying crap in my entire life. When did you get so damn selfish, Sam?"

"When I faced my own mortality, that's when. I promised myself that I would experience everything that life offered me for a while until we are ready to settle down and have children."

"So, I'm meant to go to the gala tonight and face those bastards Jeff and Dan, knowing that they tricked me so that they could both shag you? I bet you all had a good laugh at my expense."

"No one is laughing at you. They both like you. It had nothing to do with you."

"Repeating that won't make it real, Sam. It had everything to do with me. You go and join your boyfriends at the gala. Hell, go and have a gangbang with some of the crew if you want. As you say, it won't be anything to do with me."

I ordered a sandwich from room service while Sam was at the Gala. I couldn't eat it. I felt sick to the stomach. I couldn't believe that she had still gone out for the night after everything she'd done. Not that I had wanted her to stay. After an hour or so, there was a soft knock at the door. It was Dan.

"Look mate, I just wanted to say..."

I punched him in the nose before he managed to finish his sentence. "You and your husband keep away from me, or I'll finish you both. Here, take this," as I threw a hastily packed suitcase I'd packed for her. "You can keep her in your cabin for the last two nights. Fill your boots, charge admission, do what you want. What's another slice off a cut loaf?"

"Look, we thought --"

"What, that I'd be Ok with you two having sex with my wife? Just keep her away from me. Just get out, you bastard, you're getting snot and blood all over the place."

I mostly stayed in my cabin for the next two days. On the odd occasion I did venture out, I saw a lot of pitying glances looking my way. Maybe I didn't, perhaps I was paranoid? I didn't see the throuple, though, as I had started to think of them.

During that time in the cabin, I was alone with my thoughts. I decided what I was going to do. Divorce was the only option. I deserved better than Sam. She knew my thoughts on being faithful. Perhaps she thought that I would forgive her anything because of my devotion to her. I had worshipped her, and that's why it hurt so much.

The morning we docked in New York, she was back in our cabin. "I thought that it was best to give you a little bit of time to calm down. I've never known you to be violent before."

"Well, I never had a wife with two boyfriends before?"

"They're not my boyfriends, and you know it. They have looked after me the last couple of nights, after you abandoned me."